Getting a good night's sleep

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Parenting–Toddlers/Infants/Pre-Schoolers – Toddler sleep issues Expert: Nanny for Newborns – 2/19/2007

Question Hi. Ever since we transitioned our two and a half yr old daughter from her crib to her toddler bed, she refuses to go to sleep without myself or my husband laying beside her until she goes to sleep (this usually takes between 30 mins. and an hour – sometimes longer). To make matters worse, she then wakes up halfway thru the night and climbs in our bed for the remainder of the night. My husband refuses the “tough love” remedy of locking her in her room to cry it out. Any other advice or options we could try?

Answer It is very common for kids to do this when they make that transition. What she’s telling you is that she’s not mature enough to be in a ‘big girl bed’ yet.

First of all, ensure that you have established a very strict bedtime routine. It should last for 15-30 minutes. Something along these lines: ~ a warm bath in a fairly dim bathroom (bathrooms are often way too bright) ~ pajamas ~ brush teeth, potty or diaper/pullup ~ talk in quiet voices; no horsing around ~ go into her bedroom which should be very dimly lit BEFORE she gets out of the tub (maybe just a lamp) ~ read a few books, talk about the day, possibly a short back rub (a minute or two and do not let her talk you into more time; YOU control how long it lasts and it should be the same every night.) ~ no TV at bedtime; no snacks after teeth get brushed

Explain to her that it is bedtime and that you expect her to go to sleep and stay in her bed all night long. Now that you’ve established staying with her until she falls asleep, you will have to wean her off of that. Start leaving the room when she is ALMOST asleep rather than completely asleep. Do that for a few days and then leave when she’s just drowsy. Then move to staying with her for just maybe 5 minutes after turning lights off. Then graduate to leaving the room as soon as you’ve read the last book and kissed her goodnight.

I strongly, strongly recommend placing a gate in her doorway to keep her in her room at night. That way, she won’t feel entirely isolated, but she will not physically be able to get out (unless she learns to climb it.)

If you refuse to use a gate and you do not want her in your bed during the night, you’ll need to explain that she must stay in her bed all night long and then do this when she comes into your room:

1.) Saying NOTHING, take her by the hand and walk her back into her bedroom. 2.) Gently place her in her bed and cover her up. 3.) Go back to bed and repeat, repeat, repeat as necessary.

Do not engage in discussions, negotiations, etc. If she throws a fit and will not walk while holding your hand, DO NOT pick her up. Continue to hold her hand and walk towards her room, which will mean that you will be dragging her. Do not be rough in any way, but be matter-of-fact. It is her decision not to move her legs. Not moving her legs results in being dragged. The message that she should get is “It will be a whole lot more comfortable if I move my legs and walk.”

If she gets right out of bed as soon as you place her back in it, you’ll have to sit in her doorway or in the hall or something. Just keep putting her back in her bed.

Positive reinforcement is very effective! Tell her that she will get X every morning if she has stayed in her bed all night long. It should be something small but that is her ‘currency.’ Perhaps flavored milk at breakfast or a fun-shaped pancake. Or give her 5 minutes in your bed first thing in the morning if she stayed in her bed all night. Or let her use some of mommy’s bathroom stuff in the morning (powder, nail polish [you paint!], lipstick, perfume.)

The trick with the positive reinforcement is that it should be immediate, so that’s why you have to do it first thing in the morning. Also, she’s too young to do the method of having X number of good nights in a row and then getting a bigger treat.

I hope this helps. If you feel that it did, please be sure to rate me so others will be aware of my expertise!

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