Getting a good night's sleep

You brought up two issues: 1) Whether co-sleeping at this point could be healthy and 2) Whether the “cry it out” method would result in your son not waking up.

I think before looking at those issues, you might consider two things:

A) Everybody wakes up at night, multiple times. However, adults usually fall back asleep so quickly that they have no memory of waking up. And, of course, young children wake up at night, too. They just haven’t developed the ability to drift back to sleep so easily. Generally the parents who say their toddlers sleep thru the night are either referring to the main middle-of-the-night 5-hour stretch or have simply stopped responding, so they are not aware that their toddler is waking up. That child may even be crying and/or rocking himself in fear.

B) If you really think your son might have a verifiable sleep disorder, such as Sleep Terrors or Periodic Limb Movement Disorder, you could seek out a doctor of sleep medicine. And, of course, if he does, then it’s not a behavioral issue, but a neurological one.

Assuming he doesn’t appear to have a sleep disorder, here’s my response to the issues you posed, starting with issue 2, whether the “cry it out” method would result in your son “not waking up”:

It kinda depends on your short-term and long-term goals. Is it just to get him to stop calling for you at night? He may indeed give up, as that’s typically what happens to children who are left to cry out it.

But there is a cost. That process of giving up leads to what psychologists call “learned helplessness”. The child learns that he can NOT trust that he can get help when he needs it; that he can NOT make a difference in his environment. People with learned helplessness tend to get frustrated easily and give up easily. They are not as successful in life and find simple tasks stressful. Also, please see my postscript about “psychosomatic disunity”.

In addition, the process of “crying it out” leads to increased stress hormones. Researchers have found a link between higher levels of stress hormones in early childhood and an increased likelihood of depression and anxiety disorders as adults. Children undergo much more stress as a result of our modern lifestyles than they would have in the past.

Now, given that information, here is my take on issue 1, whether co-sleeping at this point could be healthy:

Fortunately, because you have responded to him when he was woken, your son has not given up yet, he is still testing, to see if he is unconditionally loved and can ask for help when he is scared or lonely. I think if you invest in this nighttime parenting relationship, you will find that after an initial increase in neediness, as he tests whether he can rely on you to be there for him, his needs will subside. Generally, the rule of thumb is that a need that is fulfilled will be outgrown. It is the unmet needs that linger on, and even have an impact on psychological health into adulthood.

Once you regain his trust in the nighttime realm, and he feels more secure, you may also see that he is calmer and more focused during the daytime.

You wouldn’t necessarily have to have him sleep in your bed. You could just lie down with him in his bed until he falls back asleep or perhaps drag a twin mattress into your room. Really, the goal is to find an arrangement where your son can be calm and content (and sleep well!). That doesn’t necessarily have to bed-sharing, unless he is really craving that and is feeling insecure. Many people have their child start the evening in their own bed and then migrate to Mom & Dad’s bed or visa-versa. Once your son is a little older, and has attained more security about nighttime sleeping, you can gently move towards him just sleeping alone in his room. Once he has built up the security and comfort of having his nighttime emotional needs met, and being supported in learning how to fall asleep on his own, he should be able to make this change without any emotional trauma. The key is to guide your son at a pace that is not stressful to him, when he is ready.

Also, some books that might be helpful to you are: The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers by Elizabeth Pantley

Good Luck, Nina

P.S. Since 1990, thanks, to imaging such as MRIs, there have been great leaps made in the understanding of the brain, and how the mind develops and the effects of parental behavior. This new info is slowly seeping into the mainstream. A good source of info on this is “Parenting from the Inside Out” by neuroscientist Daniel Siegel. Also, the book I posted about above is now out: “The Science of Parenting: How today’s brain research can lead to a happy, emotionally balanced children” by Margot Sunderland

Also, here is an excerpt from an earlier book, “Understanding the Human Being” (Silvana Montanaro) describing psychosomatic disunity:

“Every function of the body is organized for, and gives strength to, the ego. The body and mind can help each other and their unity actually becomes stronger. The body has a need and the mind sends this request out, using the same body and receiving through it what is needed. This involves correct experience of power over the environment which uses both parts of the human being and unifies them forever.

“People need to feel a psychosomatic unity within themselves in order to be at ease internally and with the external world.

“Now consider what happens when a child with an empty stomach calls but does not receive an appropriate answer.

“Sometimes the child is kept waiting for a long time, and when his anguish becomes too great and overwhelming, he can decided to retreat inside and go back to sleep. In this way, he does the only thing in his power in an environment that does not respond. The need for external help is overcome through denial of the same and through cutting himself off from the disappointing environment.

“The human being can use defense mechanisms only by separating the body and the mind. The mind can provide an unreal temporary satisfaction by retreating to the interior and, perhaps, by dreaming of a big breast full of milk. But as soon as the body repeats the request for food the child will wake up again and the whole process will be repeated.

“If the child experiences too many disappointments he will learn to ask less often or to ask more violently, depending on what the environment allows and on the child’s constitution. In both cases psychosomatic unity will not be achieved.

“The ego will never feel strong (because of its perceived lack of power in the environmental) or secure (because its vital needs are not fulfilled). Life becomes difficult and the struggle for it absorbs much of the energy that should be used for the harmonious growth of the human being.

“If experiences of division between body and mind continue we can arrive to “depersonalization”. Many psychosomatic symptoms originate from this lack of unity and many diseases of the skin, respiratory and digestive tracts can be traced back to what happens in the first months of life.”